*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
i wish i could marry a nap
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”