I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
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Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
The French word for sex is croissant.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Only Americans understand