Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
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Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
You are not alone 💚
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
This raises questions
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb