Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
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I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
You can’t rush stupid.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I need to update my racial profile.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.