someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
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If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
you gotta be faster
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.