Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
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I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Canada has crack?
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
What?!?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.