How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
You Might Also Like
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
watergate? u mean a dam??
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?