Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
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3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”