If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
This is painfully accurate 😅
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree