Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?