me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you