God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
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Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.