I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
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ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
“Itself”
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“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts