I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
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I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
The happy life.. 😊
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
ibopfufen
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.