[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
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Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Erm…
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.