Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Are you ok, human???
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.