A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
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Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.