Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
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Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word