me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
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My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
sleeping beauty
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time