Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
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Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.