Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
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My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke