“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
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Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Happy Halloween 🎃
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Oh hi lol
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.