She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
You Might Also Like
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
this article brought to you by lions
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”