Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
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It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place