Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
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All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
No, YOUR illiterate.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.