Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
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My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I don’t get marriage
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.