Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
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Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes