Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
IT’S-A ME,
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?