“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
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Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up