Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
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Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.