Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
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johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.