As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.