I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
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A woman drives into a bar.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.