My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.