If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
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You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Me irl
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Not helping
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.