I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
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Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison