I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
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YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
HR said no more nunchucks.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Imagine having a party on purpose.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”