Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
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My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
step 6: release the wall snake
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁