Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
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Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Where’s my employee discount too?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Tier 3 meme
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.