I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
You Might Also Like
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”