Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
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client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
*looks at you in batman voice*
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me