COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
You Might Also Like
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
yeet
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
crochet youtube is brutal
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.