My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
You Might Also Like
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.