I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
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Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Risking my life for fun.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.