Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
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The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
“I’m helping” 😅
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.