I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
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DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
😂🤣😂🤣
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Uh oh…
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters