Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
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[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.