Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
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[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I’m listening
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…