Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
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remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
how long have you had this for?
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
School be like