people who do mutinies should be called mutants
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Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Mornin
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.